Remember when you’re in a particular mood, everything you see and hear reinforces that mood? I’m in an extended version of that. I take five medications to keep myself even keel. For two years as the number of pills rose and fell, I groused that I had to take even one. Eventually, as the number crept up, I became resigned to the idea of ingesting medication cocktails, something which horrified me since my job dealt with mainly failed therapeutic and pharmaceutical attempts to gain “normalcy.” I referred sarcastically to them as my “Happy Pills” because they weren’t actually making me happy. The idea of being upbeat and happy was as alien and weird as my perky friend chirped when my backpack was stolen in London: “well, we’ve never been to a British police station before!” (No, I didn’t smack her). However as the depression receded, I realized that the little compressed rolls of chemicals really were my happy pills. Now I’m horrified not at the number but at the niggling fear that I might have forgotten to take them. (That’s usually just a momentary fear of relapse).
This has been the lock screen on my iPhone. I found the smiley faces in an app program and edited the words. The old me would have found the picture corny and nauseating overkill; adding the words would have been inconceivable. Now both the picture and words have meaning. Each pill says that I need and must not forget them; if they fail, then there will be other pills to take their place. They aren’t a cure or a panacea; only a means by which I can live life fully. The words remind me to live that life and appreciate it, no matter how small the activity. So each morning when I wake feeling contented and exhilarated, I revel that feeling. If my new sheets feels especially soft, I roll around in them. When I opened the blinds finally and washed the bedroom windows after three years, I felt pride in the accomplishment instead of fixating on the dirt and the cobweb. (Yikes!) When completing a task, I congratulate myself. When speaking to a neighbor, I smile. When petting Patty, cheer that she’s happy, healthy and groomed. I concentrate on the positive side of things. So I understand my friend a little better now. While I might not bounce to the police station, I do stay “GOOD morning” to people and mean it. ***
*** Don’t worry. I’ve got a gallon of Snarky Pills on the side too. I’ll take one tomorrow. SHHHH!
I watched my mom take 18 pills through the course of yesterday — it seems like it’s a side effect of getting older even if you’re *not* depressed. So yeah, hang onto the pills!
I just spent half an hour wrting a reply about how much my life sucks in ways similar to what yours used to be and how your blog posts – this and a few others have made me sit back and rethink the concept of taking “happy pills” – only to delete it all again. You don’t need my whining, but you will get my applause for taking back your life. 🙂 Keep it up. Maybe I will manage to do the same one day. And thank you for letting me realize that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. *hugs*
I have spent a long time trying to convince my mum that pills can be a good thing…it’s a battle I’m not sure I’ll ever win. She sees taking them as some kind of failure on her part and says to me “but I’m ok really”. And she is, but that’s because of the pills. Like you say…not a cure and not a panacea but something that enables her to live, to go out, to enjoy things without fear and with less anxiety than she might otherwise. When I think that my great-grandmother was locked away in an asylum and certified as insane in the 1920s when all she needed to control her bi-polar was lithium (which she eventually got in the 50s) I give thanks for “happy pills”.
hi, hope you don’t mind me sending you this, but want to offer you some encouragement! I work in a pharmacy and give out presciptions all day long, to young and old alike. Some people have to have thier pills in a “dosset box” because a} they get confused about taking them or b} there are so many to take! So, trust me you are far from alone, and if the pills help you get on with your life and be happy, so be it. It is far from failure, it’s a positive step towards a steadier, happier future. Take pleasure in the small things~as you are doing~ they add up to the bigger whole thing! I wish you nothing but the best you can be, with kindest regards Meryl
Happy is good! And folks, I am a witness. Judiang is a cheerful chirpy good morning to her neighbors in the hallway or elevator girl. Snap! Well done, dear friend! Take a bow!
P.S. And the lobby attendant guy who rode his Harley past us slurping gelatos on a bench was very nice *wink* in a handsome early forties guy way.
as my perky friend chirped when my backpack was stolen in London: “well, we’ve never been to a British police station before!”
And THEN we got to go to the US Embassy in London – I’d never been to an embassy before either! 😉
(And I still have never thought of myself as “perky” despite having been described thus many times by many people.)
I am so pleased that you can finally enjoy yourself. Taking pleasure in the little things in life makes everything worthwhile. May you continue to “keep on the sunny side of life”!
(I know I’m corny but I don’t care!) 🙂