As you may know, I’m rediscovering some of my old creativity. For the last few days I’ve been engrossed in drawing, something I hadn’t done in almost 15 years. Picking up the pencil again was like coming home. Drawing is like riding a bike; you never really forget. So I didn’t have to fear losing “it.” It was always there waiting.
As I sketched, other feelings rose to the surface and I found myself becoming crabby and bitchy. (Okay, crabbier and bitchier.) Why was I becoming discombobulated? Finally I realized these were negative feelings from my adolescence and early adulthood. I frequently sketched during this time and the feelings became associated with drawing. (If you’ve been keeping up with my psyche trio and Winston, you expect that Jada thought “more fodder for Dr. G!” Jodi groaned, and Quiet One was quiet. Winston cocked his head in interest but I drugged him.) I know right away the answer is to associate new positive feelings for the bad ones. But the biggest issue is all about letting go.
It occurred to me that although this blog’s focus has been about rediscovering my creativity, it’s been necessary to get through obstacles blocking that creativity. I was wary about starting a blog because I was afraid I wouldn’t have anything to say. Writing frustrated me because the words wouldn’t flow and I worried they wouldn’t ever. I feared I’d lost the talent to draw. I had trepidation journeying to a foreign country because I was scared to be all alone for the first time. All of these were unnecessary fears because when I determined to move ahead, I saw none of them were true. I didn’t have to push or crush or shatter these fears to get around them; all I had to do was let go.
So this journey has also involves discarding old preconceptions of the way I was and the way I am now. The more I let go of the way I was, the more I can see the possibilities, the potential, the rising creativity now. This might seem a “Duh!” moment. Twenty years ago, I paid a therapist a lot of money to tell me this. But as we know, Dear Reader, what is intellectually obvious never sinks in until the mind is ready to accept it.
I’m on a bigger journey than I originally anticipated at the beginning of this blog. As I let go of old issues, I wonder what will unfold. I don’t forsee becoming the next Picasso with some Zora Neale Hurston on the side, but I do hope to one day “fully realize my potential” as motivational speakers love to say. If I don’t, hopefully there will be some more nice stories, drawings and travelogues in the mix.