Water Tower

Well, hello there. Yes, this is my last walking tour of the day.  My rate is a bit higher than my competitor here, but I’ll show you the unique quirker side of Chicago’s Gold Coast, unlike Sly, who simply memorized Wiki and keeps trespassing on my turf.  Thank you.  Here’s your change.

Yeah? well f*ck you very much too, Sly.  See you in court Monday.

*Ahem*  Sorry about that.  We’re both lawyers and with the downturn on the economy, things are a bit dog-eat-dog in town, you understand.  Oh no, it’s just friendly rivalry.  Let’s move along, shall we?

Thanks for joining Judiang Walks this evening!  I’m Judiang and I share some  of the more interesting tidbits of the area.  Looks like it’s just you and me this evening, so you’re get my special undivided attention.  Where are you from?  London!  Such a wonderful city; I’ve been there many times.  So, what brings you to our city?  I’m sorry, did you say you’re an actor filming in Detroit? I can see why you’d want to get away for recreation then.  So, you’re an actor – anything I might see you in?  No.  No.  No.   No.  No.  No.  Wait — er, no.  Sorry.  To be honest, I haven’t watched much British stuff.  What’s your name?  Oh, that does sound British.  Not many people use that name here anymore.  Oh. Well, see, my grandmother’s last boyfriend was called that.  Never liked him.  He was a real scruffy character – halitosis something awful and I’m pretty sure he had mange.  Can I call you Dicky?  No? Oh sure, I can use that.  You can call me Ms. Ang.  Ha ha!  Just joking, call me Judi.

Hancock Tower

Now love, we are on North Michigan Avenue called the Gold Coast because of the upscale stores and residences.  This limestone water tower here is one of the last structures left standing after the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.  The popular myth was Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked over a lantern that started the blaze. Absolutely not true.  Nobody knows how it started.  A few years ago, the local bar association put the cow on mock trial.  She was acquitted of all charges, and her name cleared.  Yes, her testimony was quite moo-ving… haha… you’re funny.Across the street, sweetie, is Water Tower Place, one of the first vertical shopping malls.  Over there is the John Hancock  building. Before  Sears Tower – I mean, Willis Tower, was built, the John Hancock was the tallest building  with 100 floors.  The thing is here is that you can stuff yourself with every variety of cheesecake imaginable in that restaurant or go to the top on a windy day.  You’ll see the windows pop out and feel the building sway.  I’m told it’s really exciting.

4th Presbyterian

Adjacent, honey,  is the Fourth Presbyterian Church, the second oldest building on the Magnificent Mile.  What?  I can’t say much about it.  They took exception to my story about the dead body and the candlestick, so I’d rather not.  No, I can’t tell you.  Nope.  No.  Stop it, I can’t tell you!

Quick, let’s catch the light.  Oak Street here is known for expensive trendy boutiques.  But if you keep walking down to Rush Street, you’ll hit the trendy restaurants where the beautiful people like yourself hang out.  Seriously sweetheart!  You’re dressed in black already, so you’ll fit right in.   Are you blushing?  You’re blushing!  You are just too cute.

Speaking of the beautiful people, baby, the city nightlife offers something for everyone.  Down this other street is an exclusive gentleman’s club called Pussy ‘n Boots.  Every other Saturday night, the police pop in to collect donations for charity.  I suggest you give generously.  The gimmick there is the women use their teeth to – not your style?  Well, a block down is a discrete gay club called The Back Door.  The entrance is – no?  Hmm.  Above The Back Door is a place called Shackles.  They make you sign a hold harmless agreement at the door and it’s strictly BYOW – Bring Your Own Whip.  Still no, eh?  My, you area challenge.  Let me think… there’s splodging at Food Fight – what?  If I have to explain it to you, er – nevermind.  You probably wouldn’t want to know.

So darling, what would you like to do?  Read a book and turn in early, with all the city has to offer???  C’mon, how about taking a night cruise out on the lake – oh, you have a thing about deep water?  That’s a shame.  So I won’t see you in a swim suit on the beach, huh?  That’s really a damn shame.  Oh, stop that!

What’s wrong honey, you sounded a bit odd just now.  Ohhhhh, you were trying out your American accent for the film… I see.  Cool.  When you’re done with the voice coaching – um, that is the accent…

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No, no, no!  You’re doing fine, don’t worry.   Americans love British actors.  They’ll forgive them anything.  Haha!  Seriously sweetie, don’t get upset.  You’ll going to do just fine.  When your film premieres, I’ll be first to see it.  Yes, what’s it called?  Really.  Oh yes, mid-westerners love movies about natural disasters like that.  Honestly.

Oh, you’ll staying at this hotel?  Sure, it’s a decent enough place.  Hasn’t been a murder here in two years.  Gotcha!  Haha!  Yeah, I was taking the piss out of you.  A drink?  I’d love to but I need to go home and walk my dog… yeah, a little Pomeranian.  She’s pissed off at the sitter for letting the groomer shear her, so they aren’t getting on at the moment.  I’m telling you, she thinks she’s a person.

Well, good luck with your film, love.  I wish you all the luck.  If you’re ever back in town, look me up.  Here’s my card.  Depending on the season, I also do ghost chasing, cemetery walks, and rabbit and turkey hunts.

Goodnight, and break a leg.